Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
