I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
