I cannot find my penis.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
