I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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