A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
