Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
