dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
