Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
