do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
