I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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