I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
