Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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