That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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