I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
