I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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