I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
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I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
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That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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