I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
