I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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