my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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