You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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