They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
