direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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