My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
