My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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