Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
