I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
