Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
