i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
