I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
