He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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