Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
