Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
