He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize