Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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