i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
