How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
