last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
