My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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