Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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