Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
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Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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