Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
