hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
