I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
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