Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
