White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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