Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
