I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it's not cheating when I paid for it
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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