I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
