A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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