The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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