I cannot find my penis.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
