You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
