i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
