I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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