I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
