pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
