No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
