I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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