They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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