is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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