Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
