Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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