M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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