Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
