So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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