Her vagina should come with caution tape.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
